From the Peanut Gallery...

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Pet Owners: Dogs vs. Cats

Everyone owns a pet for generally the same reasons. Though most people will claim that companionship is the primary reason, the convenience of owning a pet is actually what they value the most. This is due to a gift that the pet supplies for its owner known as the “ego boost”.

For instance: anyone who owns one knows that dogs were put on this earth for the two sole purposes of obeying their master, and being kicked. Persons with authoritative personalities who enjoy dominating others usually own dogs in order to achieve an ego boost. They own submissive pets because by bossing someone around, they feel better about themselves. Daschunds(aka Doxens, Wiener Dogs) are most often employed for this “aggression relief therapy” one, because they behave quite well and are very obedient, and two, because they greatly resemble a football with legs. The football resemblance is important because whether you like to admit it or not, everyone feels better after kicking a dog when they’ve had a bad day. OK, maybe not kicking—maybe just a friendly swat across the face, playful toss into the wall across the room, or a jokingly yanking out a handful of fur---anything to vent one’s hostilities and frustrations onto something else. People with K9’s take refuge in the knowledge that their furry little friends will just come trotting back for more, panting, smiling, tongue lolling out with a wagging tail as if nothing happened. Dog owners are simple and very predictable.

Cat owners, on the other hand, are not to be trusted. They try to relate themselves to their pets by slinking around in dark, quiet places that make dog owners uneasy. By doing this they feel they have a mental advantage over another, thus making them feel superior. Again, this is the ego boost, but in a different form. Cat owners are often emotional basket cases, drowning in insecurity. So, they try to better themselves by emulating their feline companion, a very intelligent, independent, graceful creature, shrouded in mystery. Cat owners are duplicitous just like their pets, which will cuddle and purr one moment, and then crap on your pillow the next when you’re not looking. Cat owners have no friends.

People with pets don’t actually own them. Really, it would be more accurate to say that the pets own the people, because the people wouldn’t be able to survive without their furry little ego boosts.

-James V. Watson, Jr.
11-12-88